Attentiveness has been on my mind lately. Attention. When I’m not paying attention, I get caught by surprise, and I tend to respond poorly. Most of the disagreements my husband and I have are a result of inattention. Either he’s thinking of something else when I say something, and I get upset because something perfectly obvious to me catches him off guard and he doesn’t have a clue where I’m coming from or vice versa. This has always bugged me, and over the last day or so I’ve figured it out. Well, at least the cause. I’m not sure I have the solution yet, but we’ve been made aware of it in the class weeks ago with the Laws of Giving card.
I promise to be a grateful receiver of the gifts that surround me, noticing nature, kindnesses, smiles and compliments, which I gladly receive with a “thank you.â€
Yes, we’re supposed to have been noticing. I’ve been attentive to all those things for months now. Am I the only one who has been waiting for that knowledge to apply itself? I don’t think so, because I saw a post in the Kindnesses area tonight that said something similar. And I haven’t been entirely passive in this. I have been paying closer attention to nature.
My husband was serving dinner tonight when 7 pm rolled around. TNT’s broadcast of the Spurs – Cavaliers game was coming on, but I was thinking about something else (The Spurs is about the only thing I watch on television), and he said, “245.” Startled, I asked, “What does that mean?” He seemed angry, and he said something to the effect of, “Forget about it, then.” I had to sit there and think for several minutes trying to figure out what 245 meant that I should know. Finally, it dawned on me that must be the channel number for TNT on DirecTV.
I wasn’t thinking about what he was thinking about, but he thought I would be, because he detests sports and only tunes to the games for my benefit. Naturally, when I wasn’t on the same wavelength, he was upset. And, of course, he was doing me a kindness, and I didn’t recognize it. (I’m not a mind reader, but I do try.) I also get upset when he isn’t reading my mind either, but it’s not so much mind reading, it’s paying attention to what the other person is doing before we speak and expect them to know where we’re coming from in our conversation.
I’d love to be able to have a spontaneous and harmonious conversation with my husband, but, like the Sit, the Blueprint, and so many other things we’re working on, spontaneity takes practice to carry off harmoniously. I’m going to have to train myself to pause before speaking and make sure the elements of communication are in place before I do so. After some practice with this, perhaps it will become second nature.
Really appreciated reading your blog. As I read about the communication between you and your husband, I thought about what I am doing when someone is speaking and it usually is not paying real attention to them but focused on myself. This got me thinking and I really appreciate you writing about this. Thank you.
You are welcome, Jan. I’m glad you found value.
I Love it Jean. You said it, practice. My wife and I are growing closer every day with this course. After reading your blog, I realized there were some great tips for me as a husband in the way I respond…. it’s much better but it can be much better than it IS… so for me that practice word is a great reminder. You’re awesome Jean, thanks for a great post…. Wishing you happiness and harmony always…
Thank you. You are so fortunate you and your wife can do this together. Mine is not interested, and I try to ensure he isn’t directly impacted by the “sausage making” part of it, but I do intend for him to receive the benefits of me transforming.
Harmony is the key and to get it, practice is persistence. As Og says “I persist. I win.” You’re on track. Great post, Jean.
Ohhhh! Well said, Ken!
Listening skills and attentiveness is a kindness in itself. In my job I have learned the listening skills. It isn’s always easy.
You’re right, Norma. It isn’t always easy, but it’s worth the effort.
Yes, Jean. It’s all about the practice, but in order to practice, we need to be aware, to be in the now. That’s hard when you are a million miles away in your thoughts. I guess it all boils down to progress, not perfection as they say in 12-step programs. It sounds like you are doing great, Jean, and are exactly where you are meant to be. Thanks for your wisdom:)
Definitely going for progress, Virginia. Steady progress is a rewarding thing.
Your attention has been more awesome then you give yourself credit. Look at the insight you have had so far! Amazing blog!
Thank you, Denise.
I agree with Denise totally. This blog post has also been of service to me because I needed that advice on paying attention before speaking. My husband and I have that same pattern. Thank you!
You are most welcome. I’m unique, but not that unique. Grin!
“spontaneity takes practice to carry off harmoniously”
Wow! Great insight.