Take a few minutes and go read this blog post.\u00a0 Take longer and read the nearly thousand replies to it.\u00a0 If you come back, great.\u00a0 If not, reading the post is more important.\u00a0 Go do it.\u00a0 This post will be here whenever you decide to come back.\u00a0 No rush.<\/p>\n
Do you see anyone you know there?\u00a0 Do you see yourself?\u00a0 If you didn’t think you saw anyone you knew, I will say you did but didn’t realize it.<\/p>\n
Be real.\u00a0 Two simple words.\u00a0 So hard to execute.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, we believe we’re being real, but we’re not helping the problem.\u00a0 Because, giving honest feedback meant to be encouraging will sometimes be part of the problem.\u00a0 I have an example.\u00a0 This example is not backed up by any substantiated facts but by gut feel.<\/p>\n
Three years ago this month, as I stated on my Facebook post about this subject, I lost a co-worker and a new friend to this insidious disease.\u00a0 This man was bright, smart, and a wonderful teammate.\u00a0 He had a wife and two young daughters he was crazy about.\u00a0 I’d been working with him for three months, helping him learn his new job (I’d been filling in during a gap in people, and I was the continuity).\u00a0 He was doing wonderfully, and we all told him so, but he didn’t seem to believe it.\u00a0 He seemed to feel he was failing (nothing was further from the truth).<\/p>\n
I came back from a leave to go home to Texas and spend time with my husband, and he was gone.\u00a0 Disappeared on his way to work one morning.\u00a0 Left the house but never showed up for work.\u00a0 Told his wife he was going to work and told work he was staying home to help his sick wife with the kids.\u00a0 A week later — exactly three years ago today, they found his body.<\/p>\n
I’d only known him for three months, but I was angry.\u00a0 How could this happen?\u00a0 A man with so much promise, kids he loved, a career on track to, frankly, be much more successful than mine.\u00a0 He had it made.<\/p>\n
I couldn’t understand what happened.\u00a0 Today, I read the article referenced at the top of this post.\u00a0 And I understood a little better.\u00a0 This quote made sense to me — for my friend and for a few other people I know:<\/p>\n
“Perfection” is a man who everybody\u00a0heralds as\u00a0perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be “the perfect one”,\u00a0that <\/em>would be freeing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
How many people have we forced into “perfection” by trying to be complimentary and supportive of what they do well?\u00a0 I can’t begin to guess.\u00a0 I also am at a complete loss for how to deal with that problem.\u00a0 This “Like” post I’ve been seeing around Facebook lately addresses the problem, but only scratches the surface:\u00a0 “The one who seems the strongest is sometimes the one who is in most need of a hug.”\u00a0 I often wonder if the strong people I see posting it are, indeed, in need of a hug.\u00a0 They probably are.\u00a0 But I still don’t know how to acknowledge their need to be understood as flawed and still share what I find valuable about them.<\/p>\n
I have a friend who is wonderfully “real.”\u00a0 She’s open about problems she has.\u00a0 I understand she has these problems.\u00a0 I don’t see them, but I can accept that she does (because I sometimes look at myself and see “ick,” I can accept that others look at themselves and see “ick” too).\u00a0 She has to live with them, and I know they are real.\u00a0 I see the wonderful, talented, creative, loving wife, mother, and friend she is.\u00a0 She sees icky.\u00a0 I hope when we talk that I allow her to acknowledge the icky.\u00a0 I hope she knows it’s ok.\u00a0 I love her anyway.\u00a0 And other people do, too.<\/p>\n
How do we help our “perfect” friends understand we know they are flawed but we admire them anyway?\u00a0 We value them for what they do right and love them even when we know they’re flawed.<\/p>\n
Here’s another one:<\/p>\n
“Perfection” is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she\u00a0thinks about killing herself daily. “Perfection” makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think\u00a0if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don’t want anybody knowing that\u00a0I ever had any\u00a0problems. <\/em>She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
That perfection keeps her from killing herself is sort of a good thing.\u00a0 While there is life there’s hope.\u00a0 Sadly, perfection keeps her from getting help which will bring relief from the pain making her so miserable.<\/p>\n
Here’s one Single Dad Laughing doesn’t mention — maybe he hasn’t had it happen to him.\u00a0 What about people who have done or are doing something truly horrifying?\u00a0 Maybe you don’t think you have anyone in your family who has committed a murder or who might look at child pornography or who might derive sexual satisfaction from children or who has raped someone.\u00a0\u00a0 To my knowledge, I don’t have all those people in my family, but if I don’t, I know people who have at least one person who fits that bill to count among their loved ones.<\/p>\n
How do you deal with that?\u00a0 I’ve seen many posts on Facebook and groups that say “[Fill-in-the-blank horrible act perpetrators] should all die.”\u00a0 Horrible as the act is, everyone who has committed that act has someone who counts that person as a loved one.\u00a0 Horrible as the act is, everyone (I think) who has committed the act has some redeeming value as a human being — some have a whole lot.\u00a0 Some, quite frankly, have never been outstanding members of the community and never will be.\u00a0 The ones who have gotten caught have their secret out in the open.\u00a0 They and their families have to deal with it.\u00a0 Not only do they have to deal with the act that caused the problem, but they have to live with the fear that someone will exact their vengeance onto their family member.\u00a0 Perhaps someone who does so in the name of some religious belief which claims to be non-violent. (I have lived in fear that someone would extract such a vengeance upon someone very dear to me.)<\/p>\n
How many of the people considered to be pillars of the community committed these crimes to prove they weren’t worthy of the respect they were getting?\u00a0 I have no idea.\u00a0 I don’t even know if the theory that some people who are considered fine, outstanding people do terrible things from a subconscious desire to prove they weren’t really worthy after all has validity. But I wonder.\u00a0 I wonder if they, at some level, are saying, “NO!\u00a0 I’m really no good.\u00a0 I’m icky inside.\u00a0 Can’t you see it now?”\u00a0 I’m not saying it’s ok.\u00a0 I’m saying I wonder.\u00a0 And calling for them all to die does not help their families — and maybe it doesn’t help them either (although, they may feel it’s a just punishment in some cases).<\/p>\n
I’m asking age-old questions that don’t have complete answers.\u00a0 We are told from an early age to strive for perfection. That’s a ploy to get us to do our best.\u00a0 In the instance where it has become twisted to where it is detrimental, we have a problem.\u00a0 How do we inspire our children, family, friends, employees, and others to do the best they can do while still acknowledging they are not perfect in all areas?<\/p>\n
Most of us know there are areas where people do not excel — don’t even come close.\u00a0 In general, I think we should try to find a way to capitalize on their strengths while minimizing their weaknesses.\u00a0 If it’s a child, we (should) try to guide the child to doing what he or she does well while teaching them how to compensate for their weaknesses — acknowledge the weakness but help them see the way to be effective in the world.\u00a0 What we should isn’t always what we do.<\/p>\n
But again, what do we do when our encouragement only seems to make the problem worse?\u00a0 I’m still stumped.\u00a0 I think the natural tendency is to be more encouraging.\u00a0 More supportive.\u00a0 More laudatory.\u00a0 Maybe even to the point where you become angry.\u00a0 How many times have we said, “This person is just too needy.”\u00a0 Maybe they’re not needy.\u00a0 Maybe we haven’t allowed them to be flawed.\u00a0 I’m not advocating telling them what dirtbags they are.\u00a0 Somehow, I just don’t see that working (but in some cases, I’ve heard it does).<\/p>\n
I also try to understand that sometimes it just hurts too much.\u00a0 It’s not personal.\u00a0 But it is.\u00a0 In the world tonight, people are growing up not understanding that they didn’t do anything wrong.\u00a0 Mommy or Daddy just hurt too much.\u00a0 As much as Mommy or Daddy loved them, they hurt even more inside and just couldn’t take it anymore.\u00a0 But the people left behind find that hard to understand when they are adults.\u00a0 How can we expect a child to begin to fathom it?<\/p>\n
Be real.\u00a0 I’m not sure how.\u00a0 It’s a lost art.\u00a0 Society doesn’t teach it, and neither does anyone at home.\u00a0 But I think it’s worth finding the path.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Take a few minutes and go read this blog post.\u00a0 Take longer and read the nearly thousand replies to it.\u00a0 If you come back, great.\u00a0 If not, reading the post is more important.\u00a0 Go do it.\u00a0 This post will be here whenever you decide to come back.\u00a0 No rush. Do …<\/span> Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[11,45],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2327","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-health","category-not-silly-stuff"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2327","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2327"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2327\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2327"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2327"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeanschara.com\/pmtoo\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2327"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}