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Friday Snippet: Twilight — 12 Comments

  1. Looks like the Mr Linky Spammers have found me. I’ll get them when I get home tonight. TECH, on the other hand is legit. Thanks for your comment.

  2. This was difficult to read – you might consider breaking it into several paragraphs, even if it’s stream of consciousness.

    Harold sounds like an interesting guy, though.

  3. Sounds neat. Though I agree with Gabriele, several paragraphs might help the flow go smoother. Speaking of flow – I’m curious about the guy who “flowed” out of the car. Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of him.

  4. I want to know what’s got Harold’s knickers twisted. Sounds serious. When you rewrite, watch out for “but”. It’s getting in the way.

  5. Cool stuff, there’s definitely some interesting stuff going on, and I agree that some paragraph breaks would help. Can’t wait to read next weeks snippet *g*. Have a good weekend.

  6. Jean, I liked her stream of consciousness while she’s running. I think like that when I’m walking. I agree with some of the others—a little bit of a breakup in the narrative by use of paragraphs would be welcome.

  7. Good criticisms — thank you. I added a couple of paragraph breaks in an effort to help. Will address the “but” problem later.

    Ah, Meryl. The answer isn’t specifically addressed before the end of the book (and this clip is at the very beginning), but I’m wondering how many readers will figure it out before then. Of course, if I hadn’t had to edit out an intermediate clip due to graphic displays of, ahem, adult activities, the reader might suspect earlier than the end of the book.

    As for the Mr. Linky spammers, I guess there isn’t anything I can do about it unless I get a paid membership.

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