Letting Go
There must be something in the water this week. I’ve been reading some interesting posts in the blogosphere. First, was Shannon Stacey’s from October 23rd. She had an “Extra” kid from the neighborhood at her house. When she asked him if he needed to call home or anything, and he said he didn’t, Shannon was pondering how parents could not care about the whereabouts of their child. She related some experiences she’d had where other people’s children didn’t come home and how horrible it was.
Then, day before yesterday, I was reading Motherhood is Not for Wimps and she’s explaining why there are so few people on her safe list, and I got it. Finally. I’m usually hesitant about parents who refuse to just get a babysitter and go out for the evening. But, as is so often the case, Elizabeth drives her point home. I reflected on her statement, “The greatest risk we parents take isn’t in exposing our children to a gathering of strangers we have told them are not safe. It is in leaving them in the care of adults we have told them to trust.”
That’s when the little light bulb went on for me. Most kids are molested or harmed by someone known to them. Someone the parent they trust to look out for them has told them is “safe.” Unfortunately, the parent assumed they were safe, probably because they just didn’t “look” like a pedophile or a rapist or a murderer. But seriously? What to “those” people look like? They look like anyone else, because they are anyone else.
I’ve chosen not to have children. But I’ve listened to parents discuss their concerns about people they know and have considered (or not considered) leaving their kids with. And, through a strange twist of fate, I’ve recently caught just a hint of what that might be like. You, see, Roxy, a stray cat I recently adopted, had kittens, and I can’t believe how protective I’ve felt for them and their long-term well-being. I’m hesitant to find homes for them, because I don’t want them to find themselves in a bad situation. If that’s the way I feel about four kittens, I can only barely imagine what a responsible parent might feel for their child. I know people do it because they have to somehow. And I also understand some parents can’t afford to do the diligence on the “safe” list like Elizabeth — does that mean they don’t care or they’ve had to make a best they can do choice. I’d suggest most of them have had to take a chance and hope their kids are ok.
Me? I don’t know what I’m going to do about the kittens yet, but hubby seems anxious for me to find them (and Roxy) homes. I think Roxy will be a great cat where there are no other cats in the household. Since we brought her into the house in July, she has relentlessly stalked and attacked Ajax and Natasha. That just isn’t going to work. We’ll have to see how this works out.
We’ve always tried to give kittens to people we know if at all possible, especially black ones since our local animal control and shelter people have often mentioned that they are super choosy about who they let adopt black cats. There is an issue there with abuse, especially this time of year, so we were super-careful with Malaysia’s two black kittens (they went to my inlaws and are doing great).
Kids, though, are different. There’s that super-protective part, which never really stops, but it has to coexist with the ‘gather life experiences so you can be a productive member of society’ part which kinda kicks in as the kids themselves grow more independent. Our daughter never really went to day care other than about 45 min 3 days a week for one semester when my schedule and Bill’s had that gap, and the provider we used not only watched our niece all day, she was a family friend. That said, when there are less and less family members close by, and more ‘strangers’, it does get tough to find someone trustworthy.
All we can do is the best we can. Adults still have to work, and kids still need to learn to exist in the real world. I think kids should be allowed to ride bikes and go trick or treating and have sleepovers and all those fun things. There’s no reason, though, that the parents can’t get involved, can’t meet other parents, have an open door policy when hosting kid-events, and can’t get off their duff and take their kids to things like swimming at the public pool or whatever. It’s easy to stay home and lock the doors and plug the kids into PlayStation. It’s harder to get out and do things with the kids, or be the house all the kids come to. Fwiw, we were the house the kids came to and there were a few times we’d wake up in the morning to a teenager sleeping on the couch, or a kid who came home with our daughter after school and ended up staying a couple of days (or, as happened one summer, a few weeks). I’d MUCH rather have them safe, warm, fed and loved at our house than ending up God knows where while their home-mess straightened itself out.
Parents, though, have to open themselves up to that. I wish more would.
Check with your vet about helping to find homes for Roxy and the kittens. Our vet usually has pets for adoption, and we’ve adopted from a vet before.