I made it through Alan’s birthday okay. I put my phone on “Do Not Disturb” and locked myself in my office for the day. I did some photography work in the studio, and relaxed. I took a nap. And it felt like just another day. I certainly acknowledged that Alan would have been 89, but I was also grateful he passed while he was still able to live on his own terms.

I’ve been feeling a shift taking place. I feel as if I’m moving into a place of acceptance. It is what it is, and I am what I am. I have stuff to do, and I’ll keep doing it. Yes, I have things I’m trying to figure out, but that’s just life. In due time, I’ll figure things out, do what needs to be done, and move on.

And just as soon as I feel that shift, it slips out of place, and I’m back in despair mode. I can’t seem to shift this gear.

Despite “shifting” challenges, I believe I am making progress in answering the question about what my new life is meant to be. As far as I can tell, no dramatic shifts. I’m not a radically different person. Before I retired, I got up, went to work, came home, talked to Alan on the phone, went to bed, and got up the next day and did the same thing all over again. I was generally at work or home, and the only social life was a required work function. I was actively writing fiction in the evening and on weekends. Sometimes I would take the laptop to Panera and work there.

That’s pretty much my life now, minus phone calls from Alan. That’s more significant than it sounds. It’s doable. It’s me. It is what it is.

The burning question is, “How do I honor his desire to sell the 46 Mercurys and their parts?” A year of Hemming’s advertising resulted in nothing. I don’t believe the desire to sell everything as a package is going to fly. I contacted parts dealers last week. One looked promising, but I’d be surprised if anything positive came out of the effort. It’s a place to start. I’m still contemplating the next steps in this area.

A final note for this month, my perception of time has changed. Whenever I’m thinking about when something happened, I evaluate if it happened while Alan was still alive or since he has passed. It’s a mental process I’ve noticed in the last several months. I guess it could be called With Alan or After Alan.