I sometimes think I should begin stepping away from updating the blog. Does doing the updates keep me in the grief cycle, or am I still able to move forward? And my recent thoughts carry the answer to that question, I think. The 22nd used to ALWAYS be a bad day for me, but it’s gradually become USUALLY a bad day for me. That’s a shift. But 2 1/2 years later, I’m still in turmoil.

I used to get odd, barely perceptible scents in the evening. Those scents have been changing. Last month, I smelled laundry soap and cookies baking. Earlier this month, I was having trouble clearing my throat in the morning, and I picked up an analgesic-like scent. Some people might say Alan is communicating with me, and I accept that it could be possible. I try to have fun with it.

At the end of September, I put a deposit on a cruise from LA to Hawaii. I plan to take the train to LA, catch the cruise, and take the train back to Central Texas. The cruise will be in the latter part of 2026. My personal challenge to myself is to see how little luggage I can take on the trip. This year, I plan to ride my motorcycle down to Big Bend and spend about a week touring there. Maybe I will make an annual trip somewhere around Thanksgiving? We’ll see.

I think the “tears for no reason” are my heart looking for Alan and realizing (over and over again) that he won’t be physically there.

On the same day I reminded myself I didn’t need to get any more animals, guess what? I got a call about a kitten found in a bumper downtown. Heavy sigh. I went and got it. Vesta is now seven weeks old and doing well. She and Oliver like to play chase.

I took the lift to Equipment Depot in Waco for servicing. The last year of contractor usage was hard on it, and it needed attention. Four new batteries, a charger, and a charging cord later, it’s good as new. The technician who worked on it said it was in great shape.

What would have been our 31st Wedding Anniversary was on the 15th. There are so many days that have meaning in a relationship–birthdays, weddings, special events, routine travels, recurring events unique to a family or couple, and the person left behind gets to navigate those events.

I’ve talked to enough people to know this sensation of erasing Alan isn’t unique to me. This month I changed his name to my name on the account at Equipment Depot. One more small way he’s slowly being erased.

I received my first mineral rights sale solicitation in my name a few days ago.

I scrolled through an interesting Reel on Facebook that matched up with my dad sending me a message. Dad didn’t use Facebook in real life, but that was a moment that gave me pause.