36 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

I made it through Alan’s birthday okay. I put my phone on “Do Not Disturb” and locked myself in my office for the day. I did some photography work in the studio, and relaxed. I took a nap. And it felt like just another day. I certainly acknowledged that Alan would have been 89, but I was also grateful he passed while he was still able to live on his own terms.

I’ve been feeling a shift taking place. I feel as if I’m moving into a place of acceptance. It is what it is, and I am what I am. I have stuff to do, and I’ll keep doing it. Yes, I have things I’m trying to figure out, but that’s just life. In due time, I’ll figure things out, do what needs to be done, and move on.

And just as soon as I feel that shift, it slips out of place, and I’m back in despair mode. I can’t seem to shift this gear.

Despite “shifting” challenges, I believe I am making progress in answering the question about what my new life is meant to be. As far as I can tell, no dramatic shifts. I’m not a radically different person. Before I retired, I got up, went to work, came home, talked to Alan on the phone, went to bed, and got up the next day and did the same thing all over again. I was generally at work or home, and the only social life was a required work function. I was actively writing fiction in the evening and on weekends. Sometimes I would take the laptop to Panera and work there.

That’s pretty much my life now, minus phone calls from Alan. That’s more significant than it sounds. It’s doable. It’s me. It is what it is.

The burning question is, “How do I honor his desire to sell the 46 Mercurys and their parts?” A year of Hemming’s advertising resulted in nothing. I don’t believe the desire to sell everything as a package is going to fly. I contacted parts dealers last week. One looked promising, but I’d be surprised if anything positive came out of the effort. It’s a place to start. I’m still contemplating the next steps in this area.

A final note for this month, my perception of time has changed. Whenever I’m thinking about when something happened, I evaluate if it happened while Alan was still alive or since he has passed. It’s a mental process I’ve noticed in the last several months. I guess it could be called With Alan or After Alan.

 

35 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

Next month will be three years. I’m in an odd place in my grief. I’m not happy with how things are progressing, but there’s nothing really wrong. I generally think I’ve handled my grief well, continuing to function, and getting so very many things completed.

Trying to find the source of my dissatisfaction, I reviewed the five stages of grief to see what might be missing. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

I believe I moved through the denial stage pretty quickly. I mean, I had a dead body in front of me. There are really no doubts about it.

Anger has been trickier, and longer in coming, and I think it reveals itself in my impatience and intolerance in certain situations. I haven’t felt a need to blame or be angry at anyone or God. I can’t think of anything I could or should have done differently that would have resulted in him not passing away that night. I don’t think I’ve been more short-tempered or impatient than usual. So this one is kind of tough.

Bargaining? What’s to bargain? He isn’t coming back. I’m not sure anyone could have done anything to extend his life. He was usually in tune with his body, and if he didn’t have an idea of what could be done, I don’t think anyone else would have either. Of course, there have been “what if” and “if only” statements, but it was too late by the time I realized there had been a problem.

Depression. Plenty of that. In abundance! But it seems far less intense now. It’s more in maintenance mode.

Acceptance. I’m probably here, and while I’m accepting of it, I would have thought it would be a more…satisfying? … place to be.

In other news, I replaced the gas struts on the Leer topper back window. It’s so nice to have the window stay up when I open it instead of dropping on my head. It was a simple job and took about 5 minutes to complete. I should have done this at least a year ago.

Remember the drain issue from last month? Unsurprisingly, the tree roots from a massive live oak by the driveway have collapsed the drain pipe, and I’ll have to dig up concrete and replace pipe. Part of the plan is to reroute the pipe away from the tree to delay this from happening again. Waiting for an estimate, then I’ll have to find a concrete guy to replace the concrete that gets torn up in the process. I may get an estimate to do a more level driveway on the vacant lot side to make ingress and egress easier for the Brinlee team (and us when we have trailers).

Let’s revisit the anger stage of grief. I do think I’m there now, but it isn’t like I expected it to be. I don’t want to say more here, but I think there’s more to this than I originally thought.

Pictures from our Grand Tour 2015 trip came up in my Facebook memories. This was the trip where Mom presented Alan with his Texas Star quilt in the colors he chose. The second photo represents a lot to me — our companionship, our friendship, our travels together, and the way he always looked out for us.

 

I’m in a mediocre place right now. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be where I’m at right now. I wake up. I go through the motions. I do what needs to be done (mostly — I could do better), but I still haven’t found what my new life is meant to be. (I wanted to type, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, and I know some of you know that lyric.)

I genuinely believed when I wrote that I would figure out what my new life would be like that I would have some idea by now, almost three years later. I guess it just is.

34 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

Shortly after my last post, winter appeared in Central Texas. Rain, cold, freezing rain, and just a little snow to cover the ice from the freezing rain. Most people seemed to take preparation seriously. The house and other properties did okay. Water stayed on at the shop and the auction barn. A faucet at the auction barn ruptured, and I couldn’t get in to discover it due to the door lock breaking. Once I got inside and discovered the leak, I had the city turn the water off, and began clean up. Fortunately, no auction items were damaged in the process.

Where I kept water running at the house, it stayed on, which seemed to keep pressure down in the rest of the system, so pipes retained integrity. For future freeze days, I may simply turn off the water at the house, drain the pipes, and stay at Crockett, because it is best equipped to withstand the cold. I’ll note it also does well in the heat. It lacks a stove but has everything else needed to live comfortably. I doubt I’d want to spend more than a couple of days there, but it works as intended — for emergency options when power (or water) is out at the house. That was one purchase I’ve been pleased to have made.

I replaced the auction barn door lock with a leftover combo lock I had from Crockett. I also ordered a garage door lock for one of the garage doors, so I would have a second way to get into the building. A friend installed it for me, so I feel better about that building now. (I need to ensure something similar for the shop. Technically, I have another way in, but it’s blocked by a full file cabinet.

Despite making it through the freezing weather with only one minor plumbing issue, since then, they’ve been popping up all over. I went to turn off the bedroom light one night, and there was a puddle of water on the floor. There was a slow leak from inside the wall of the bathroom. I turned the water off to the house and went to bed. My plumber came the next afternoon and found a brittle pipe about to burst and replaced it. Whew! It could have been so much worse!

At another building, I’ve noticed water leaking from my cleanout when I wash a load of clothes. Uh-oh. I’ll bet that pipe is blocked with tree roots. Time to call a plumber to deal with that before it becomes a really terrible issue. The plumber told me the city should take care of that problem with my cleanout, but if they didn’t, contact him. Sure enough, the city took care of it, and there was no runoff after washing a load of towels. The city took care of it until it didn’t work. I had to have them come back, and they said I need to get a plumber to fix whatever is broken between my clean out and the main (which appears to be in the middle of the intersection). I have called the job into the plumber who said he would take care of it if necessary, so we’ll see what happens.

I’m redoing the bathroom at the auction barn — removing a deceased water heater, adding a new water heater or a small on-demand unit, replacing the toilet and getting a fresh reseat job, and adding a utility sink that will be more useful for cleaning auction items prior to listing photos.

Lastly, I’m getting estimates to finish the third bathroom in the house. We didn’t need it, but over the last year, I’ve decided it would make the house much more functional if I ever have guests (not likely, but it could happen).

 

33 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

Christmas. I’m stuck on how it hasn’t been three years since Alan’s death, and Christmas 2023 to Christmas 2025 is two years, yet somehow, it’s my third Christmas without Alan. Christmas 2023 was one, Christmas 2024 was two, and Christmas 2025 was three. Numbers can be funny things.

I received my Motorcycle Grand Tour of Texas Tour stop book. It looks like the 50 stops break down neatly into what could be four trips. I’ll have to spend more time planning and looking at it, but that was my initial assessment. Quite a few of the tour stops are near me, so I can knock out a lot of stops with a local ride. I registered for the tour on January 1st and pick up my tour flag in Kerrville on February 21.

Too often over the last 32 months, I’ve felt frozen in place, exhausted, and immobile. But when I think back on it, I worked through my entire probate task notebook in 2023, got most of the house restoration tasks done in 2024-2025 (paid someone, but oversaw the work), and am finally (I think) emerging from the fog of grief — it’s sneaky, though, so I know it’s not done. 

I’m working on the next huge task list — rehoming items I no longer need. This will be a time-consuming process, and some parts will go faster than others.

 

 

32 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

The motorcycle trip went well. I had lovely weather. The trailer and I aren’t best friends yet, but we’re making progress. It’s time to return my focus to rehoming things I no longer need. Here are a few photos from the trip, starting with just before I left the driveway: … Continue reading →

31 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

Bobbi decided to step out of the house for a few days — on the very two days we got vicious rainstorms, but she was perfectly happy under the house. Thankfully, she allowed me to catch her after two days, and she’s back in the house now. The Time Out … Continue reading →

30 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

I sometimes think I should begin stepping away from updating the blog. Does doing the updates keep me in the grief cycle, or am I still able to move forward? And my recent thoughts carry the answer to that question, I think. The 22nd used to ALWAYS be a bad … Continue reading →

29 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

Earlier this month, I saw a paper bag and teared up. Why? Paper bags were Alan’s preferred way to wrap a barn lantern for travel. I no longer have a need to wrap barn lanterns, and that memory caught me in a tough way. I’m still doing what absolutely needs … Continue reading →

28 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

The 65-year milestone has been met. I’m gradually adding in normal tasks as my foot continues to recover. I’m focusing on getting the litter boxes all scooped on schedule. I bought a couple of continuous glucose monitor sensors and have been seeing for myself how different foods affect my glucose … Continue reading →

27 Months

Philosophical Meanderings, Too Posted on by

My non-weight-bearing status for my right foot was extended for two weeks due to not healing as quickly as the doctor would have liked. We’ve had a lot of rain, even into July, and that’s unusual for Central Texas. Unfortunately, the Texas Hill Country had almost 20 inches in a … Continue reading →